How to develop emotional intelligence: A step by step guide

Introduction

For many, it may come as a surprise that hard skills and academic achievements have little to do with becoming successful.

A number of years ago, researchers examined the graduate admission scores of the brightest students at Harvard and cross-referenced them with how well those individuals performed in their careers. And do you know what the correlation was? Exactly zero percent.

The brilliant minds behind that study revealed that your IQ accounts for, at best, 10% of the success you’ll experience in your lifetime. The rest comes down to a combination of timing, luck, and, perhaps most importantly, emotional intelligence.

The students who went on to do great things all had one thing in common, high levels of emotional intelligence. EQ is so critical that more than 75% of all Fortune 500 companies invest in training their teams on it. Study after study shows that the majority of top performers in any field score high in emotional intelligence.

Luckily for you and me, this isn’t a trait that’s pre-determined or a gift from God—it’s something you can learn and develop for yourself.

So, how important is it really, and how do you develop emotional intelligence?

What is Emotional Intelligence (EQ)?

Emotional intelligence, also known as emotional quotient (EQ), is based on two big ideas: the ability to understand yourself and others. It’s about recognizing how feelings shape decisions and actions.

A high IQ gives you intellectual capabilities such as problem-solving and critical thinking, but a high EQ makes you adept at understanding and responding to human behavior which, in most cases, is more valuable.

Emotional intelligence is a foundational skill for building stronger relationships, communicating more effectively, relieving stress, and managing conflicts. When you learn how to connect with your feelings and express them positively, you are more likely to succeed, both professionally and personally.

Imagine this: you’re preparing for a big meeting to pitch your idea and secure an important partnership. Your plan is flawless, and everything is set, but you find yourself disagreeing with a colleague who wants to make changes that could jeopardize your opportunity. You know you’re 100% right, and they’re completely wrong. You could lash out and start proving why you’re right or you could pause and try to see things from their point of view. Maybe this person is going through a tough time or is worried about losing their job, leaving them troubled and prone to poor decisions.

Try to zoom out, ask the right questions, and see the bigger picture. With a deeper understanding of their true motives, you can find common ground and reach a mutual agreement.

That’s the power of EQ, recognizing the profound influence feelings have on our thoughts and behaviours. Learning how to develop emotional intelligence will help you gain the skills to build meaningful relationships and succeed in all areas of life.

The 5 Big Blocks of Emotional Intelligence

The Godfather of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, breaks down EQ into five key elements:

1. Self-awareness

Being self-aware means knowing your own emotions. You recognize how they affect your thinking and behaviour, which helps you better understand your strengths and weaknesses.

2. Self-regulation

Self-regulation is the ability to manage your emotions. It’s about observing how you react to people, controlling impulsive emotional reactions, and staying composed in stressful situations.

3. Self-motivation

This is about knowing how to motivate yourself and get yourself going when you don’t feel like it, we all have days like that. Learning how to push through difficulties and turn intention into action will massively boost your productivity and efficiency.

4. Social awareness

This means being empathetic and socially comfortable. You can recognize and understand other people’s emotions and put yourself in their shoes. You’re able to read the situation, pick up emotional cues, and determine how your behavior will be perceived.  

5. Relationship management

It’s not just about knowing how to manage your relationships but also knowing how to build and maintain meaningful connections.

Understanding these five skills is crucial for developing your EQ, but real growth comes from applying them in everyday life. Whether it’s practicing self-awareness through journaling, learning to pause and reflect before reacting, or actively listening to others to build empathy, the key is consistent effort.

So, what can you do starting today to develop your emotional intelligence?

Developing Your Emotional Intelligence Skills

Now that you understand the foundational blocks of EQ, let’s explore how to apply them in your daily life.

EQ is among the strongest indicators of success in business and life. Learning how to develop emotional intelligence will boost your performance at work, enrich your personal and professional relationships, keep you calm under pressure, improve your mental and physical health, and enhance your overall ability to navigate life with purpose and confidence.

Here are the most effective ways to increase EQ, starting today:

1. Observe how you react to people.

Increase the time between what happens to you and how you respond to it. The more you can grow the gap between the stimulus and the response, the wiser and more mature you will become.

2. Remember: You are not your emotions.

You have emotions, but you don’t have to listen, agree, or follow them. Sometimes, our emotions take hold of us, leading us to overreact. Instead, we should focus on slowing down, detaching from those emotions, and picking a more constructive approach. This doesn’t mean you should be a robot and never listen to your emotions—it means not falling into the trap of acting on them every time.

3. Watch how you react to stressful situations.

Do you fly off the handle when you don’t get what you want? Do you tend to blame others when things go wrong? Watch out for those knee-jerk reactions, and instead, choose better responses that align with the type of person you want to be. Once you notice the patterns, you can start to predict your natural responses, and from there, you’ll gain far greater control during stressful moments.

4. Be empathetic 

Take time to observe the emotions of those around you. Notice their facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. Understanding how others feel will allow you to build trust, inspire, and motivate people, and deepen your connections.

5. Actively listen. 

An emotionally intelligent person actively listens, empathizes with others, acknowledges their problems, and fully engages with the other person. Pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues, ask good questions, avoid interrupting, and imagine yourself in their situation. Try to create a safe space where they feel truly heard and understood. 

6. Stay open-minded.

Be willing to welcome feedback and consider perspectives different from your own. Instead of neglecting criticism or getting offended, try to understand where they’re coming from. Emotionally intelligent people are always open to learning new things.

7. Resolve conflicts constructively 

Conflicts are inevitable, but how you handle them makes all the difference. Focus on the issue, not the person, and look for solutions that respect everyone’s needs while keeping your emotions in check. It’s impossible for us, as humans, to always agree on everything—and that’s okay. Don’t view conflicts as problems, instead, see them as opportunities to strengthen your relationships and grow closer.

By learning these skills, you’ll not only grow as a person but inspire growth in those around you. With a little attention and effort, you can master your emotional state, unlock a quality of life that will amaze you, and achieve incredible results in how you approach work and connect with others.

For more ways to increase your EQ, check out our page on 50 tips for improving your emotional intelligence.

3 Real-world Examples of Emotional Intelligence

Let’s take a closer look at how emotionally intelligent individuals handle challenges and thrive in real-world scenarios.

Here are three examples of EQ in action: 

1. Romantic relationships

Picture a couple having a disagreement over how to spend their weekend. One partner feels ignored, while the other is frustrated by the lack of compromise. An emotionally intelligent partner takes a moment to reflect on their own emotions and recognize the frustration building within them. Instead of getting defensive, they calmly express how they feel and ask their partner to share their perspective.

By focusing on understanding rather than winning the argument, they work together to find a solution that feels fair to both. This way they sustain a fulfilling relationship built on mutual respect and a deep emotional connection.

2. Customer interactions

Let’s be honest: how many of us have received surveys from service providers and simply ignored them? If you don’t have a personal relationship with anyone from the company or believe that your feedback will matter, why bother responding?

Now imagine an emotionally intelligent account manager with whom you have developed a good rapport and who has been supporting you whenever you have a problem. If they ask for your opinion or feedback while assuring you that your suggestions will be acted upon and your voice will be heard, wouldn’t you be more willing to share?

Emotionally intelligent employees recognize the value of building personal relationships with customers by capturing bits of information about them, making customers feel heard, and demonstrating a genuine interest in helping them. This approach not only drives loyalty but also builds trust over time.

3. Leaders and teams

Imagine a high-pressure board meeting where a team is struggling to meet an important deadline. Tensions rise, fingers start pointing, and morale begins to crumble.

An emotionally intelligent leader steps in, and instead of assigning blame, they acknowledge the team’s hard work and validate their concerns. The leader holds a calm discussion, encouraging each member to share their perspective while ensuring everyone feels heard. By staying composed and empathetic, the leader unites the team, helps them brainstorm, and proposes collaborative solutions to resolve the conflict while fostering a culture of trust and accountability.

Why is Emotional Intelligence Important?

Developing your emotional intelligence ensures continued and lasting success in all areas of your life.

Here are just some of the benefits of EQ:

• Social Intelligence
• Interpersonal skills
• Self-control
• Effective communication
• Collaboration
• Stress tolerance
• Self-alignment
• Impulse control
• Self-confidence
• Adaptability
• Conflict resolution
• Empathy
• Mindfulness
• And much more!

By learning how to control your emotional state you can start to make thoughtful decisions under pressure, build stronger relationships, and reach your fullest potential.

Ready to Level Up Your EQ?

Emotional intelligence is the key to achieving success and fulfilment in life.

It's about building meaningful relationships, grasping the complex range of human emotions, and recognising the profound influence feelings have on our behaviour.

If you’re ready to master emotional intelligence and transform your life, RocheMartin is here to help.